I really don't like LinkedIn, I don't like the games it makes people play. 

If you're naturally inclined towards social media posting I suppose it's different for you, but personally I abhor it and I don't really want to deal with it.

It feels performative, it feels like you're supposed to do a little dance so that people will be impressed and want to be your connection or maybe even give you a job. 

What is the point of it all? 

Is there a way to reconcile these feelings with the way the world works now? 

Should I just play the game anyways?

Should I post AI generated slop? Should I post whatever random thoughts I have about my job that day?

I really don't understand it all.

The job market is really awful, everyone knows this, you can apply for thousands of jobs and never get anywhere with it.

It feels hopeless. 

Who are we supposed to be on LinkedIn? An idealized version of yourself that has no problems and is just enthusiastic about B2B SaaS?

It doesn't feel like the real me, and I just want to be authentic to myself. It hurts my soul to think about what it would take for me to succeed in this world.

But I've got to do something, right?

The problem is that I don't know what.

Thanks for reading

- Dylan

Sometimes life comes at you with a problem seemingly intended to break your heart in the process of solving it and yesterday I was given one.

I was taking a walk at work, I had gone about a mile and a half and it was brutally hot outside so I was starting to feel a bit more worn than usual. I had stopped in some shade under a tree to cool off before carrying on, but as I got ready to continue I spotted something colorful moving in the street and stopped to see what it was.

What I saw lying on the road was a little butterfly, she was black, and blue, and gold - a truly beautiful creature. I got up close to her to see why she was lying in the street and she moved a little as if to say "I'm still here!"

As I got closer I realized her wings were torn to shreds, I'm not sure what could've done that kind of damage, it's already a fragile creature but this seemed more like something had attacked it and left it to die in the road rather than it having flown into a tree branch. I tried to touch her just to see if she'd let me pick her up and she tried to flap away away, moving maybe 6 inches at a time and flipping back and forth as she did. 

She clearly wasn't going to fly ever again.

So what are we supposed to do in this situation?

Part of me felt maybe the merciful thing would be to put her down and keep her from suffering anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to do that to such a beautiful creature.

Part of me wanted to cup her in my hands and take her back to the office to see if I could repair the damage, but her wings were completely shredded and I have no idea how to perform surgery on a butterfly.

I sat there for a moment just watching her, I talked with her a little and tried to tell her I was sorry for what had happened. I asked a butterfly if she was gonna be okay and almost expected a response to come out of her.

I decided at least I should try to get her out of the street, I asked ChatGPT where it thought was best to move her to and it suggested that I take her to a tree nearby. I got some leaves and coaxed her into climbing onto one, half her legs were broken, and watching her crawl with only her right side hurt so much.

My beautiful butterfly...

I moved her to the base of the tree, but she didn't try to fight it she just sat on the leaf as I walked her over. I'd like to think she knew I was trying to help, but in all likelihood, she was just too weak to fight anymore.

I laid her down with the leaf at the base of the tree, nestled in a groove between some roots. It was a nice shady spot where she could get some rest and I hoped in my heart she'd get better, though I knew it was unrealistic. If nothing else I'd like to think it was a peaceful place to die and gave her some comfort in her last moments.

Today I came back on my walk, and as I passed around the same shaded spot where I'd stopped to cool down the day before I felt a deep sadness not knowing what I'd find below the next tree. I walked up to where I laid her and she was nowhere to be found.

At first, I felt surprise and joy at the thought that she might have healed and survived her injuries, I smiled for a moment and glanced around to see if there was any sign of her.

Then I saw a piece of her wing laying torn off by another root nearby, and another not far from where my feet were. I moved a little bit of bark and picked up the first piece of wing to examine, it had all her colors. The beautiful black, blue, and gold ran along the edges in that pattern I'd stared at while I asked her if she'd be okay the day before.

I don't know what got her, probably a lizard or some ants found her, and she was unable to defend herself, but I couldn't find her body just pieces of broken wings. 

I stood there for a minute and had to hold back from tearing up, I stared at her wing, and in my mind I lamented that I couldn't save her. I asked why such a beautiful creature had to suffer, and why I couldn't have done more to help in the moment. 

Did I fail her?

I tried to give her safety and peace in what seemed to be her final moments, but could I have done more? 

Was the right thing to squish the bug and not let it suffer or was it to be gentle and give her dignity in her final moments?

I took that bit of wing with me when I left, and the other piece too, I wanted something to remember that moment by. The pieces are inside my phone case as I write this and likely I'll try to move them to a picture frame or something similar soon.

As I walked away I held back from crying while I thought about mortality and the cruelty of the world towards small creatures.  I don't know if I believe in reincarnation, but I'd like to think she returned to Samsara or the Tao instead of her spirit dying with her body under that tree.

Sometimes I think I'm an ignorant fool for not having seen all the beauty there is and all that is worth protecting when I was a younger man, but we all have flaws that come inherent with our being I suppose and its up to us to work in opposition to them.

I think I did the best I could for her given the circumstances.

I tried to help an injured creature left lying alone in the road and I'd like to say nobody can fault me for that, but they probably can and if enough people read this some likely would.

I'm sorry, my beautiful little butterfly.

I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I couldn't ease your pain or protect you from whatever hurt you like that. I'm sorry I scared you when I tried to check on you. 

I'm sorry I didn't know how to make it better.

I hope you return to me, I hope one day I see your beautiful colors flapping in the air again and know in my heart that it's you.

I hope you found peace in your last moments. 

I hope you didn't suffer too much.

Even if you don't return to me you'll always be with me through this memory and that means something in itself. 

I hope I can do your memory proud.

Au revoir, my beautiful little butterfly. 

I love you.

I just posted something rather serious so I thought I'd lighten it up with some photos I took on walks lately:

These are taken in the North Atlanta suburbs, but in different towns depending on which photo so I won't be clarifying.

I try not to be a weak man.

I've let myself down at many points in life, and over and over I've had to put the pieces back together.

But I'll keep trying.

Things haven't been easy the last few months for me. I was finally getting into a rhythm where I felt like things were going well, I had high energy and I was feeling like I was on top of things. I was posting on this blog a bit, trying to work on my LLC, and learning a lot in my day to day at work and in my free time.

I let it fall apart again though. 

I pushed myself too hard and couldn't keep up with it all and let myself sink into a pit again. I tried really hard to pull myself out and get it together, but the number of things had become too much and I couldn't find anything to grab onto that would help lift me out of the hole I'd put myself in.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm experiencing fits of mania and depression, but I don't think that's the case - I still struggle emotionally even when I feel like I'm doing well and I'm not sure how well that lines up with what people say about bipolar disorder.

I really struggle with a sense that I should be doing more with my life, and regret who I was because I didn't do more in the past. I think maybe it's because I'm surrounded by people who have achieved so much. So when I felt myself sinking into the pit and unable to find the motivation or momentum I needed to keep up the day to day I feel like I've failed in comparison to those around me.

I know they say you shouldn't compare yourself to others and I try not to, but sometimes it's really hard not to see how far behind I am in so many ways.

The one really strong claim I can make is that I've done more drugs than anyone else in my circle, but it feels like something that shouldn't be a source of pride.

I think the trick for me was to let myself sink deeper into the pit and when I embraced it I started to build up momentum again.

So I let myself watch TV and play video games for a while, I didn't try to push myself to do things that were gonna drive me to real self hatred. 

Through that I was able to find something to be proud of again.

In the last few months I beat every boss in Dark Souls, Dark Souls 2, Dark Souls 3, and Elden Ring (with the DLC) which may not be a technical accomplishment or a great achievement, but I hadn't been able to do it before and I'm proud that I pushed through.

I finished Game of Thrones (I stopped in Season 5 cause it got bad and I hold to that statement) and all that was there of House of the Dragon. I watched every Miyazaki movie I could find on Amazon Prime. 

Was this a waste of my time? I have limited hours on this Earth and when I use them unproductively I feel like I've failed myself.

If it means I can be productive again is it worth the laziness? I'd rather take a break than fall back into the place I was in before.

Is this enough?

What is the point of my life?

Who am I supposed to be?

How do I make things better?

I sit here and ask myself these questions and never find answers, because they aren't out there. I need to decide these things and I can't let it hang by the wayside much longer.

I'm turning 27 years old, it's still fairly young but old for a young person and soon I'll be an old person (30) and will I have direction by then?

I thought to myself recently "Do I want to be a 60 year old man looking in the mirror and hating himself?"

The answer is obviously no.

So how do I build on that?

These aren't questions from me for you the reader but for each of us to find and answer in ourselves aren't they?

I love the song Whistle for the Choir by The Fratellis, when I was a boy my mom listened to it often and I hated it because it was sad, but now I listen to it and it makes my heart pang in some ways I never thought it could. It reminds me of my mom, and of love that's been lost to me forever because of my failures.

If I'm ever going to find respite I have to become the Captain of my own ship, I can't continue to ride as a passenger on someone else's.

I had a discussion with my boss recently about what leadership means and we didn't arrive at a solid conclusion, but I tried giving it some more thought and I'd like to share it with you.

He said a leader should exude authority to be effective and I wasn't sure I agreed with him. I think my boss is an effective leader, but I wouldn't say he regularly exudes authority and I wanted to ponder the question more. So after giving it some thought (and using ChatGPT as a sounding board for my ideas) I arrived at this list:

• A leader needs to be confident - they have to be able to inspire hope in a bad position by the nature of their belief in the ability to succeed
• This does not mean diving headfirst into a bad position on a whim, this will undermine confidence in the leader
• A leader needs to be wise - by this I mean they need to have the learned experience of failure to understand the pitfalls of their positions
• Intelligence is also very useful, but less useful than wisdom
• A leader needs to be sympathetic - they need to be able to understand and value the feelings of their team members even if they don't have the capacity to solve them in the present moment
• Some complaints will be unreasonable and the leader must still be willing to hear them if they want their team to perform
• A leader needs to have grace - I mean this in the Catholic sense, they need to be willing to forgive a large number of failures
• The goal should be to foster an environment where people feel safe to innovate and grow without feeling pressured that everything they produce be of immediate value
• Too much forgiveness can undermine the leader though, if the leader is seen as overly forgiving of repeated mistakes then the team's belief in the leader can be broken down
• This is solved to an extent by having objective rules that a leader should adhere to that limit excessive forgiveness
• Rules cannot be too rigid or else they will also foster a lack of confidence, because it feels like the team is not trusted by the organization
• Leading by example and enforcing the rules on oneself (within reason) is an effective avenue for demonstrating the necessity of the rules without being overly forceful upon the team
• A leader should exude authority only when there is a compelling need - authority and force should not be used in everyday interactions with the team, but when immediate compliance is required it can be leveraged

This is by no means meant to be comprehensive, merely some thoughts on what it means to be a leader, keep in mind I lead nothing except my feet so I have an outsider's observation into the world of management. I'd love to hear thoughts about this though I doubt I'll receive any.

As I reflect on this writing, I wonder:

What is my end goal with this writing? Is it to just put words out there? To preserve my memory when I'm dead? Why am I doing this?

Maybe it's for you?

Maybe it's for me?

Whoever it's for I hope it helps.

All I want to do is help.

Will my thoughts and words be lost for all eternity? Doomed until the end of time to remain unseen and unheard? 

What is the meaning of depravity? 

I've been depraved in more ways than I can count but none of them feel quite the same. There's something more to the word we leave behind when we discuss the idea intellectually. 

"We must rid our society of degenerates, of depraved individuals, liars, cheats, and addicts." 

Who says these words? Police? Lawgivers? /pol/?

"Perhaps you'll never lose the habit of judgment"

What is the purpose I'm meant to serve? Is it simply to watch things fade away in front of me while I remain locked in indecision and self-doubt?

What is the overcoming of those thoughts supposed to look like? Do you simply tell yourself how great you are every day until it sticks? I try to improve myself every day in some way even if it's only a little, but does that ever amount to anything? Do you ever stop doubting yourself?

Does all this come off as whiny or as pitiful? Do you pity me? I don't think I want you to.

I want to think and feel in ways I cannot seem to grasp. 

If life were simple and easy it wouldn't be very fun, when all I had to do all day was watch YouTube and do drugs I was the most miserable I've ever been. 

People need meaning, we need a purpose to drive us. I went to college for computer science because I was told that's where the jobs are and luckily I like my job and my field, but imagine how many there are who don't and who will now have to pivot careers if they ever want to find personal meaning in their work.

I want a purpose. I want things to be well-defined. I know that won't ever be the case, but it's what I want. 

The 5G radiation has bombarded my brain to oblivion, I don't know right from left or up from down.

I do know what an AMF is for though, so we make some tradeoffs.

I think certain knowledge has to come with a cost, perhaps not one I'm willing to pay. 

But the questions! 

They wait in the darkness to be asked and nobody will ever ask them.

Like my words.