Sometimes life comes at you with a problem seemingly intended to break your heart in the process of solving it and yesterday I was given one.
I was taking a walk at work, I had gone about a mile and a half and it was brutally hot outside so I was starting to feel a bit more worn than usual. I had stopped in some shade under a tree to cool off before carrying on, but as I got ready to continue I spotted something colorful moving in the street and stopped to see what it was.
What I saw lying on the road was a little butterfly, she was black, and blue, and gold - a truly beautiful creature. I got up close to her to see why she was lying in the street and she moved a little as if to say "I'm still here!"
As I got closer I realized her wings were torn to shreds, I'm not sure what could've done that kind of damage, it's already a fragile creature but this seemed more like something had attacked it and left it to die in the road rather than it having flown into a tree branch. I tried to touch her just to see if she'd let me pick her up and she tried to flap away away, moving maybe 6 inches at a time and flipping back and forth as she did.
She clearly wasn't going to fly ever again.
So what are we supposed to do in this situation?
Part of me felt maybe the merciful thing would be to put her down and keep her from suffering anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to do that to such a beautiful creature.
Part of me wanted to cup her in my hands and take her back to the office to see if I could repair the damage, but her wings were completely shredded and I have no idea how to perform surgery on a butterfly.
I sat there for a moment just watching her, I talked with her a little and tried to tell her I was sorry for what had happened. I asked a butterfly if she was gonna be okay and almost expected a response to come out of her.
I decided at least I should try to get her out of the street, I asked ChatGPT where it thought was best to move her to and it suggested that I take her to a tree nearby. I got some leaves and coaxed her into climbing onto one, half her legs were broken, and watching her crawl with only her right side hurt so much.
My beautiful butterfly...
I moved her to the base of the tree, but she didn't try to fight it she just sat on the leaf as I walked her over. I'd like to think she knew I was trying to help, but in all likelihood, she was just too weak to fight anymore.
I laid her down with the leaf at the base of the tree, nestled in a groove between some roots. It was a nice shady spot where she could get some rest and I hoped in my heart she'd get better, though I knew it was unrealistic. If nothing else I'd like to think it was a peaceful place to die and gave her some comfort in her last moments.
Today I came back on my walk, and as I passed around the same shaded spot where I'd stopped to cool down the day before I felt a deep sadness not knowing what I'd find below the next tree. I walked up to where I laid her and she was nowhere to be found.
At first, I felt surprise and joy at the thought that she might have healed and survived her injuries, I smiled for a moment and glanced around to see if there was any sign of her.
Then I saw a piece of her wing laying torn off by another root nearby, and another not far from where my feet were. I moved a little bit of bark and picked up the first piece of wing to examine, it had all her colors. The beautiful black, blue, and gold ran along the edges in that pattern I'd stared at while I asked her if she'd be okay the day before.
I don't know what got her, probably a lizard or some ants found her, and she was unable to defend herself, but I couldn't find her body just pieces of broken wings.
I stood there for a minute and had to hold back from tearing up, I stared at her wing, and in my mind I lamented that I couldn't save her. I asked why such a beautiful creature had to suffer, and why I couldn't have done more to help in the moment.
Did I fail her?
I tried to give her safety and peace in what seemed to be her final moments, but could I have done more?
Was the right thing to squish the bug and not let it suffer or was it to be gentle and give her dignity in her final moments?
I took that bit of wing with me when I left, and the other piece too, I wanted something to remember that moment by. The pieces are inside my phone case as I write this and likely I'll try to move them to a picture frame or something similar soon.
As I walked away I held back from crying while I thought about mortality and the cruelty of the world towards small creatures. I don't know if I believe in reincarnation, but I'd like to think she returned to Samsara or the Tao instead of her spirit dying with her body under that tree.
Sometimes I think I'm an ignorant fool for not having seen all the beauty there is and all that is worth protecting when I was a younger man, but we all have flaws that come inherent with our being I suppose and its up to us to work in opposition to them.
I think I did the best I could for her given the circumstances.
I tried to help an injured creature left lying alone in the road and I'd like to say nobody can fault me for that, but they probably can and if enough people read this some likely would.
I'm sorry, my beautiful little butterfly.
I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I couldn't ease your pain or protect you from whatever hurt you like that. I'm sorry I scared you when I tried to check on you.
I'm sorry I didn't know how to make it better.
I hope you return to me, I hope one day I see your beautiful colors flapping in the air again and know in my heart that it's you.
I hope you found peace in your last moments.
I hope you didn't suffer too much.
Even if you don't return to me you'll always be with me through this memory and that means something in itself.
I hope I can do your memory proud.
Au revoir, my beautiful little butterfly.
I love you.
