I try not to be a weak man.
I've let myself down at many points in life, and over and over I've had to put the pieces back together.
But I'll keep trying.
Things haven't been easy the last few months for me. I was finally getting into a rhythm where I felt like things were going well, I had high energy and I was feeling like I was on top of things. I was posting on this blog a bit, trying to work on my LLC, and learning a lot in my day to day at work and in my free time.
I let it fall apart again though.
I pushed myself too hard and couldn't keep up with it all and let myself sink into a pit again. I tried really hard to pull myself out and get it together, but the number of things had become too much and I couldn't find anything to grab onto that would help lift me out of the hole I'd put myself in.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm experiencing fits of mania and depression, but I don't think that's the case - I still struggle emotionally even when I feel like I'm doing well and I'm not sure how well that lines up with what people say about bipolar disorder.
I really struggle with a sense that I should be doing more with my life, and regret who I was because I didn't do more in the past. I think maybe it's because I'm surrounded by people who have achieved so much. So when I felt myself sinking into the pit and unable to find the motivation or momentum I needed to keep up the day to day I feel like I've failed in comparison to those around me.
I know they say you shouldn't compare yourself to others and I try not to, but sometimes it's really hard not to see how far behind I am in so many ways.
The one really strong claim I can make is that I've done more drugs than anyone else in my circle, but it feels like something that shouldn't be a source of pride.
I think the trick for me was to let myself sink deeper into the pit and when I embraced it I started to build up momentum again.
So I let myself watch TV and play video games for a while, I didn't try to push myself to do things that were gonna drive me to real self hatred.
Through that I was able to find something to be proud of again.
In the last few months I beat every boss in Dark Souls, Dark Souls 2, Dark Souls 3, and Elden Ring (with the DLC) which may not be a technical accomplishment or a great achievement, but I hadn't been able to do it before and I'm proud that I pushed through.
I finished Game of Thrones (I stopped in Season 5 cause it got bad and I hold to that statement) and all that was there of House of the Dragon. I watched every Miyazaki movie I could find on Amazon Prime.
Was this a waste of my time? I have limited hours on this Earth and when I use them unproductively I feel like I've failed myself.
If it means I can be productive again is it worth the laziness? I'd rather take a break than fall back into the place I was in before.
Is this enough?
What is the point of my life?
Who am I supposed to be?
How do I make things better?
I sit here and ask myself these questions and never find answers, because they aren't out there. I need to decide these things and I can't let it hang by the wayside much longer.
I'm turning 27 years old, it's still fairly young but old for a young person and soon I'll be an old person (30) and will I have direction by then?
I thought to myself recently "Do I want to be a 60 year old man looking in the mirror and hating himself?"
The answer is obviously no.
So how do I build on that?
These aren't questions from me for you the reader but for each of us to find and answer in ourselves aren't they?
I love the song Whistle for the Choir by The Fratellis, when I was a boy my mom listened to it often and I hated it because it was sad, but now I listen to it and it makes my heart pang in some ways I never thought it could. It reminds me of my mom, and of love that's been lost to me forever because of my failures.
If I'm ever going to find respite I have to become the Captain of my own ship, I can't continue to ride as a passenger on someone else's.
I had a discussion with my boss recently about what leadership means and we didn't arrive at a solid conclusion, but I tried giving it some more thought and I'd like to share it with you.
He said a leader should exude authority to be effective and I wasn't sure I agreed with him. I think my boss is an effective leader, but I wouldn't say he regularly exudes authority and I wanted to ponder the question more. So after giving it some thought (and using ChatGPT as a sounding board for my ideas) I arrived at this list:
- A leader needs to be confident - they have to be able to inspire hope in a bad position by the nature of their belief in the ability to succeed
- This does not mean diving headfirst into a bad position on a whim, this will undermine confidence in the leader
- A leader needs to be wise - by this I mean they need to have the learned experience of failure to understand the pitfalls of their positions
- Intelligence is also very useful, but less useful than wisdom
- A leader needs to be sympathetic - they need to be able to understand and value the feelings of their team members even if they don't have the capacity to solve them in the present moment
- Some complaints will be unreasonable and the leader must still be willing to hear them if they want their team to perform
- A leader needs to have grace - I mean this in the Catholic sense, they need to be willing to forgive a large number of failures
- The goal should be to foster an environment where people feel safe to innovate and grow without feeling pressured that everything they produce be of immediate value
- Too much forgiveness can undermine the leader though, if the leader is seen as overly forgiving of repeated mistakes then the team's belief in the leader can be broken down
- This is solved to an extent by having objective rules that a leader should adhere to that limit excessive forgiveness
- Rules cannot be too rigid or else they will also foster a lack of confidence, because it feels like the team is not trusted by the organization
- Leading by example and enforcing the rules on oneself (within reason) is an effective avenue for demonstrating the necessity of the rules without being overly forceful upon the team
- A leader should exude authority only when there is a compelling need - authority and force should not be used in everyday interactions with the team, but when immediate compliance is required it can be leveraged
This is by no means meant to be comprehensive, merely some thoughts on what it means to be a leader, keep in mind I lead nothing except my feet so I have an outsider's observation into the world of management. I'd love to hear thoughts about this though I doubt I'll receive any.
As I reflect on this writing, I wonder:
What is my end goal with this writing? Is it to just put words out there? To preserve my memory when I'm dead? Why am I doing this?
Maybe it's for you?
Maybe it's for me?
Whoever it's for I hope it helps.
All I want to do is help.