I found a pretty big pinecone today while I was taking some server boxes to the dumpster, it's not huge, but I thought it was really cool looking.
About 60 seconds before I saw it I smacked myself in the eye with a piece of cardboard comically hard as I picked it up, I want to believe the pinecone was my reward for the momentary pain I suffered. I think it's good to try and find little rewards in the world to help alleviate the pain that life can cause.
My friend was hard on himself at work today, I tried to help, but I didn't really know how and I think I ended up making it a little worse. When I see people I care about treat themselves like that it makes me reflect on my own behavior, I know I can be too hard on myself, but I don't know how to stop myself either.
I wish it was easier to encourage people, to make them feel safe and whole and loved for who they are, and that improvements will come in time. I wish it was easier to talk people out of their negative self-image and show them the best parts of themself that others see them for and not the worst parts they see themselves for.
Is it even possible to show that to someone? Is it something they have to be looking for before it can be seen?
What does it mean to see the good in yourself? I think part is to let go of the mistakes and flaws in yourself that others don't perceive, but you do.
I've failed myself at a lot of important places in my life and now I have to deal with the consequences and it drives me to self-hatred, but that isn't right. It's easy to fall into the trap of hating yourself and believe you'll lose if you try, to use it as an excuse to not do anything or to hide from the world.
Lots of people don't seem to have this problem, they go out and do the thing like it's natural. I try to do the scary things, but I end up stuck where I am.
Am I just a coward?
I hope one day you all can feel secure in yourselves and see the good that others see in you. I hope you find a pinecone as a reward for the pain and I hope it makes you smile even if your eye still stings. I hope if you hate yourself then you can love yourself and find the bravery to navigate life.
I wish I had the words to express how my heart feels to you.
You aren't alone.
Take care of yourself and those around you. Do your best.
I'm proud of you.